Wishes sometimes seem to come true, don't they. . . "/

11:11, Wishing Wells, Shooting stars, Wishbones etc.

I used to do all of that growing up and I still do every now & again for the shits and giggles

and a secretly a small part of me does hope that what I wish for will come true...

I guess stuff like that just doesn't happen to girls like me..

 There is this misconception that I get everything I want...i don't.

I just have to play things off and make them seem minor when I fail.

but inside..it hurts & i'm crushed...but I could never let it show.

The things I secretly wish for when 11:11 strikes..never wish me for me back.Maybe I'm not doing it right? Maybe I don't aim my dime properly when i toss it into the fountain? Maybe I'm supposed to start my wish once the shooting star is completely gone?  I tried to believe in wishes and fairytales and magic again. . .
not for girls like me.

If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at al

I know what I want to say regarding this, but I have no words because I feel nothing right now.

At a young age I taught myself how to stop feeling, I just learned to ask myself "why r u even trippin over this?"

&& yeah sometimes it takes a few days to kick in maybe a day or two and BAM. I'm numb.

Is it still there? Of course. . . but pride is like pain medication,

The pain is still there, but your nerves are numb so you can't feel it.

Then by time it wares off it really doesn't hurt anymore because you allowed it to run its course while your medication was in your system.

Is that a way to handle things? eh probably not. Is it easier? Yep.

Is it a weakness. Maybe, maybe not.

Do I give a fuxk.

no. not at all.

The person waiting for the right time to start never gets anywhere...

I've been searching for the right time to convey this,

because clearly I can't just not say anything like I'd like to because the [ I'd never know..]

How will I know when the right time is?

What if I wait too long in search of the right time? Will I even know what the right time will feel like?

Searching for the right time is just another way for me to stall.

Searching for the right time is what my pride is telling me to do because it doesn't want to be compromised.

So if I don't create the right time...time'll just waste and I will remain in place.

Simply having children does not make mothers...

I'm kinda screwed in the mother department.

Always have been really, 2 moms and they are both kinda shitty.

Ones tryna get it together but it's hard to make up for years of shitty mommyness :/

I've always felt a missing place in my life as far as mothers go, I've never had anyone to do the things that Moms do with their daughters. I'm actually still kind of unsure of what that is exactly. I may never understand but I know that when I see my friends conduct these long convos with their Moms on the phone I become a tad envious. I'm curious as to what that is like. I want to know how it feels to go to brunch & get my toes done with my Mom.

Ive noticed that I fall in love with some of my friends mothers because they are so great in my eyes. They do things that I've never experienced but have always longed for. It's like "wow..your just like the moms on TV!" Most people don't understand me when it comes to this topic because having the mom around is pretty typical for most situations especially in black communities.

I get told all the time "well you have ur daddy, most people don't have their daddy"

Your right, and just how they have an empty space, I do too. Respect my empty space.

I refuse to let this space remain empty though. Even if it means I have to have 20 of my own children to make up for what I missed in a mother.

To be honest, I've always figured my last chance at a good "mother figure" would be in my husbands Mom.

So I pray that whoever she is, she likes me, and accepts me as her own. :)

Thats one of my life wishes.

Humankind can't bare too much reality. . .

For a superior species we are scary as hell!

We are scared of everything!

We are scared of taking chances, we are afraid to miss something, we are hesitant with life because we are constantly afraid of what we THINK we can not handle.

It's horrible.

I'm in a situation now that could be settled and probably out the way if I wasn't afraid of the "what ifs.." and what I could miss if something didn't go my way...I'm afraid of what could happen if i got the results I was looking for.

We are so fearful. Two of my friends are situations where the fear of missing something / the fear of losing something is taking control of their happiness [ and their sanity on some days ]

I wish I could find a cure for this but it's a shame we don't exude our full potential and take chances the way we should simply because we are struggling to control some aspect of our reality.

Always forgive your enemies..nothing annoys them so much

I feel that simply because I don't care for you or I choose to not fxk with you..doesn't make you my enemy

Don't assume I'm some place slandering your name, or that I have it out for you.

I don't, I promise.

I just simply don't fuxk with you, your not apart of my life or daily regement.

No, we don't even have to be cordial when we see one another.

How about we act as if we have NEVER seen each other before and call it a night?

You stay out of my way, and thats the way all of this should go :)

Don't send me your weak ass apology messages or whatever it is people do.

Not cause I don't want to hear from you but because I don't give a damn and I don't wanna hear you bitch.

Just being real, but we aren't enemies :)

Just don't fuxk wit chu..

Men cheat for the same reason a dog licks its balls..because they can.

Apparently, cheating has been the topic of discussion lately.

Which is kinda odd since its bundle & boo time but I guess things change.

Cheating is actually and extremely taboo subject in some ways.

Nobody wants to really admit their wrong, everyone wants to make justifications for their actions instead.

Hell I've been "cheated" on / had to share / and a bunch of wtf ever else was goin on.

In my situation if he we woulda just been real from the start where he wouldn't have to put himself, me or her in that situation..it woulda hurt but I would have gotten over it.

PAIN IS TEMPORARY

But Nahhhh that didn't happen.

If he would have just said "I fucked up" and left it at that.

It would have hurt, but I would have gotten over it.

PAIN IS TEMPORARY

But nope, cheaters don't do that. They want to lie to cover their ass. When they think one girl/guy is a loss for sure, they then try to throw him/her under the bus to make the "more willing to stay" girl/guy feel more comfortable and to try to justify their actions. They "attempt" to confess but only tell the prelude to the actual story..they just allow it to get messy when it doesn't have to be. [which goes back to my previous post about honesty] If you cheat. Just say "I fucked up, you stayin? you dippin? or do i need to prove myself?"

Because once you've been caught cheating I'm sure thats a pretty shitty situation for yourself and I don't even think it's fair to you as the cheater to have to perform circus tricks for their ass for another 5 months to "prove yourself" thats just draining. He/She knows if you are gonna take you back the following day. So don't waste time.

 This is the stuff that keeps the ecosystem on track though. You need a jackass or two to know when you see something good. :)

I don't lose my temper very often now, and if I do, it's well deserved. . .

I hate having to show my temper.

That means don't try me. This post is inspired by someone who hasn't learned to know better just yet.

Today someone seemed to make the terrible mistake of thinking they could speak to me as if I was their child. I simply had to correct that to ensure that we don't suffer from that misunderstanding again. Did I want to go off on them in front of whomever he decided to try me in front of? NO never of course not but if you feel you can start a sentence off with me that consist of the following "DON'T YOU EVER..!." yeah thats a sign up for a pop off. I don't even think he finished his sentence before I got started. :/ I try really hard to suppress my temper because it's in my blood, and I never wanna be the one that has to put people in their place but when I do , its cause you clearly lost your mind && I simply want to help you find it. He was wrong, he knew he was wrong and you don't approach me that way, ever. My own PARENTS don't speak to me that way..you must have life confused with bullshit.

Long story short: Don't let the size fool you. Don't let my gender fool you. Don't let my sweet, kind, happy go lucky personality fool you either. Everyone has their edge. So don't push me.

There's a lot of bitch in every woman - a lot in every man.

Before I start let me make this clear, I'm not sayin I want a dude who bangs or thats a drug dealer or thats always tryna fight and is always in trouble. I'm just sayin I don't want a ni*ga with too much bitch in him.

I guess I should tell you a story before I get into this so you can see where I'm coming from. Once upon a short lil time ago, I was talking to a guy and I really liked him, we were cool as it gets, we clicked well so on and so forth but slowly  I started to notice he had some bitch in him. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a man with some sensitivity and gayness for you [but unfortunately, that's not the kinda bitch I'm tlking about]. I'm talking about bitch as in : he was a low key punk.  Yeah, that's not gonna work. It would seep out in certain situations and every time I was like no no no hell no absolutely NOT.I'ma be real. I need a guy who isn't scary. That isn't too much to ask, I need a dude who has a little bite to him. Why? Cause I have a little bite in me. No I don't exude it all the time it's not necessary, but it's there. It's just what was left over from where I was raised, where my parents and the remainder of my family was brought up & my experiences. Women like to feel safe when they are with their man. Period. Its actually part of the reason we like being up under them, because we feel safe. If I feel like if something goes down you gonna run and leave me by myself...your not gonna work. If I feel like you wouldn't defend me if it ever came down to it...your not gonna work.

&& Once again, I don't like dudes who are always into trouble, thats not my aim..but there isn't nothing wrong with the diamond in the rough boy. The dude who may know wassup without being a complete  product of his environment. You can be educated and polite, respectable but know how to handle yourself if it ever came time...thas all I'm sayin.

...have a little bite. If you got it you got it..if you don't then idk..get a white girl?

Guys are simple, women are not simple & they assume men are as complicated as they are..

.Recently I've been spending a lot of time with my brothers. I needed that time with them because I love my girls I do but I'm not used to the super-emotional-always-upset-wining-over-some-dude type stuff. Maybe, my girls back home are more like me than they realize but we have fun together without a guy being a main focus or without being in our feelings.

Here its a tad different and thats okay.

Around this time everyone has been doing their own thing, working, boo'd up, etc. I've just been with the boys, chillin, playing video games, going to games, talking all of that. Now, I refer to them as my breath of fresh air because its the time I can chill and have fun and nobody is in their feelings, there are no outburts, nobody is bitching..and its even better cause non of the guys are tryna get at me!! Its all family (even tho I want one of them but thats a different post). Nothing beats that to clear my mind. Not to mention, I've never been the girliest of girls. My sister isn't either.

Lets not get it confused tho, I still wear heels, get my hair & nails done, get dressed up and have my girlie moments because I am in fact a woman.I just never been into a lot of the stuff "super girlie girls" are into.

For example when it comes to dogs, I don't like those cutesie little bag dogs or poodles that mess is stupid to me. I like Pits, boxers, Rotwhilers and things of that nature.When it comes to cars I don't like bugs, bmw's and that kinda ish I like Mustangs, Aston Martins, Vipers etc. When it comes to music most women like the obvious rappers like wayne, jayz..and whatever it is guys like because they figure it gets them points. [trust i know this i see it every day] I don't..they are cool and all but I'm an Eminem & Eazy-E fan (i liked Eazy as a kid shh lol),  The list goes on..  lol idk I guess I'm different? *sigh

Sometimes I kinda feel like blah about that [i wouldn't change it] but it almost seems as if guys are into those SUPER girlie girls..and I'm not one of those. I'm feminine but I appear to have more tomboy like preferences my brother says. eh..IDK.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. . .

Just tell the truth, like seriously.

Because lying, being CAUGHT in your lie and then continuing to lie is not only retarded but makes everyone else  angry. Especially since eventually you will have to be honest to get you out of your situation or to make the interrogation end. Therefore, the longer you prolong the fib, you not only look like a liar, you look like a pathetic full of shit liar with bad judgement [on top of whatever else you may have done to sabotage ur image at that point]. Who wants that on their resume?

All jokes aside, we are human, we lie, we do.

Small lies, hell they happen, but learn from your mistakes.

I understand the "thats my story and I'm sticking to it" method.

I was taught that too, I know it well, but when your busted bruh your busted.

Its better to just end the situation by saving your grace the best you can by being honest.

I understand that usually people continue with the lie to cover their ass or because they are afraid of how the person may be affected afterward. In reality, you need to think about that ahead of time.

Especially men: guys are known to not think about the consequences of situations when they make some of the choices they make. That's okay, but that means guys don't have room for stupid shit so make wise choices just in case. I could go on with this forever but I don't have time for that, I just needed to touch bases to get that off this chest of mine honestly.

However rare "True Love" may be, it is less so than true friendship...

I've never had a problem making friends in my life.

Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a damn delightful friend.

That's due in part to the fact that I'm simply a reflection of the blessings they bring to me.

I have more than one Best Friend, yes this is true.

4 to be exact if we want to go into detail.

One we've been Best Friends for 15 years.

Another 9.

Another 5.

&& the last is going on 2 years.

To the average person that is a blessing. It is. Some people can barely get 1 good best friend.

While I'm being the lucky chick with four.

These are the four women who will without a doubt be there when I get married.

They will all probably be a god mother to one of my 6 children.

Might even have some named after them [maybe a middle name or smthin]

These are the 4 women who I know have me no matter what.

&& I thank them, because they are the ones who complete me and understand me.

They have stood next to me for every tear, heartbreak, crush, family battle, surgery, cold, flu, cramps,laugh, accomplishment, fail, raise & fall etc.

These four women have all fed me a time or two maybe three.

These four women have been accepted by my family, welcomed into my home.

and loved by me unconditionally.

Yeah friends may come && go . . .but these four are stuck.

yeah I said it.

STUCK lmao.

ily guys!

Music is the strongest form of magic. . .

I'm in bit of a bind right now and Taylor Swift has been the freakin soundtrack to my life!

I'm a lover of all music really but she has been really helpful..sorta..right now.

Nothing is better than being able to relate to an artist . . .especially multiple times.

Especially when they wrote the song themselves because they were going through the same thing at the time.

& this one is pretty darn close. . .not exactly. . .but darn close. smh

Attraction is beyound our will and Ideas sometimes...

Recently a lot of people have been tryna figure out exactly what my type is.

I've come to understand that I have two different [physical] types.

While my internal type is the same.

Which isn't bad considering these two different [physical] types of men are kind of different.

..But hey we can't help what we are attracted to now can we?

Guess this means I must explain right? Right.

Type A: "The Mans,Man"

The guy thats about 6'1 +

About 200-215lbs

With the nice arms & 6 pack

 They are usually the color of a snicker.

That wears that good ol 11-13 shoe

and may hurt you if they try to be cute and sit on your lap

Bascially the man thats twice my size

With the nice smile and the dreamy eyes

The one that may be a little too tall to dance with because his parts r above your parts

That one with the football/boxer body.

Just beautiful.

But their clothes fit, they don't have that lil "thug" style.

They still dress like they are that GQ man.

Peacoats in the cold and Polo in the good weather.

Type B: "The Nerd"

Maybe like 5'9-6'0

Usually light skin [idk y it happens that way]

Hair cut is always right

They have this clean and almost innocent square look about them

They may even wear classes one day for the hell of it.

Dress in Sperrys and cardigans

Their swag almost says they could be or work for the president

Always look like they are on their way to do a presentation some place

Not the biggest guy to the naked eye but have some muscles under their vest

Lol they are the checkered shirt and chucks guy but not with the cali swag on it

But that Chris Brown in the Kiss Kiss kinda look.

Yeah him..

I think that pretty much broke it down. As far as the internal goes...it changes every is different and usually adds or subtracts qualities from the list. That's an entirely different post that I'm sure I'll be in the mood to discuss another time.

Let the first impluse pass..wait for the second.

Patience VS Impulse.

That's a constant battle for a lot of people in the world.

. The question is what do you do in situations where you can do either?

Where you can just say "lets cut the B.S" and work off of impulse

...or you could exercise patience and let time do the work for you..

If you go off impulse you can get your results quicker but does that mean they will disappear just as fast?

If you take the route of patience how do you endure the torture of the wait?

Sometimes people have regrets because they didn't act on circumstances when they should have, and now they feel they may have missed their opportunity

People also have regrets when they act too soon instead of letting life's episodes play out.

How do you know when one is the correct route to go?

Good things happen when your priorites are stright..

..and mine have not been.

At all.

As much as I would like to share the blame of that with other things, I can't.

I'm too old to not accept responsibility for my actions whether its positive or negative. At the end of the day the choices I make and the importance I place on certain areas of my life effect me more than anyone else.

It's not that I've been making bad choices as far as my priorites and obligations go, it's the fact that I haven't been applying myself the way I should.

In reality I don't have the greatest support system, [it may look like it] but to be honest I don't and never have.

Over the years I've had to acquire the talent of being a self motivator and self starter. I'm still trying to master the art of pushing myself and I must admit it may be one of my weaker components.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a very goal oriented individual, I'm also very aware of the things I want and extremely meticulous about these ambitions...but I'm also human. Sometimes I need someone to whisper in my ear [you can do it] .I already now these things, but once again..I have to work on being a self starter, and practice motivating myself better. We all know when your left alone, its easy for you to take the side road every now and again because you can. I'm not saying I need my hand held but I'm saying pressing the gas for yourself and staying in your lane takes more work that one could imagine.

They who go feel not the pain of parting, it is they who stay who suffer..

Today I wrote a letter to someone that hurt me. It was more so a letter to a situation actually.

I wrote about 3 pages venting on how I felt. Everything I have too much pride to voice to another individual, I placed on that paper. Everything I wish I could say to those involved I wrote on that paper. Once I finished I felt better. I felt free. Although, I know this may be a slightly temporary feeling for me, I'm aware that it was the finishing steps to being completely better off. I followed that by deleting numbers and pledging to not put myself in any type of connection with that ordeal anymore for awhile if ever. I felt that although everything was really dead and old for me [and although I forgave all parties involved] I felt as though I was still dwelling in that world. It was as if I being haunted by the situation, that experience became my shadow and I couldn't take that anymore. The longer I lingered the longer I had to suffer...even if it was 10 seconds of a memory..it was 10 seconds of pain. That letter was the end for me. It was my farewell. In reality nobody will ever understand how I  felt, but that paper. Not the people who were there, not those whom I was upset with..but that paper.

It was that paper that felt my anger, and caught my tears. & to that paper I owe a thank you therefore, I must keep my promise and throw it away. Once that paper is thrown away so is any emotion or regard devoted to you.

That's all drugs and alcohol do, they cut off your emotions in the end..

I get called a prude && a "goodie-two-shoes" every now and again.

I may also get that I'm "lame" and/or "wack" because I don't drink or smoke.

Personally. Its a poison in my eyes. Especially as a woman.

People ask me the grand question of why I don't drink frequently & when I say frequently I'm talking at least 4 times between Thursday-Saturday. So if you wanna know I'ma drop you the reasons and break downs here and now.

#1. Not Lady Like. Yeah, I said it. I personally [emphasis on personally] don't believe that being under the influence of any substance is lady like. Not for image purposes so much, but more so for safety reasons. Being a women your already naturally a target because we are smaller than men, we are by default more fragile and susceptible to other forms of danger. Its sad to say but we live in a world where there are people who are looking to harm you. With that being said, I'm already a target because God built me to be weaker, I'll be darned if I greater my chances because I'm drunk and/or high. With that being said I don't want to be under the influence of ANYTHING that alters or disillusions my perception, judgement or normal thought processes.

#2. I Have A Natural High. I don't need help to have fun. If anyone trys to say they don't drink to get drunk or tipsy your a damn lie because that mess does NOT taste good...! My friends drink/smoke and thats perfectly fine & I've gone to parties where everyone is drunk and/or high but me and I had as much (if not more) fun than the people who did partake.

#3. Not my thing. If you know me, you will understand that it's simply not in my character. I have a distinct enough personality to where you can tell what I would and would not go for. I've come to realize a lot of people use drugs/alcohol and a mask to their emotions sometimes. To cover up what they are going through or to party off a bad week. Thats probably nice every now & again..but it takes away your ability to handle situations yourself, with your right mind. Those who turn to these things for protection are slowly making themselves weak. Sad to say but nobody respects a weak person. [that's not why every does it..but for those who do..eh]

Control thy passions lest they take vengence on thee..

Crushes on friends.

May be one of the largest evils in the world.

May also be one of the most sucky situations anyone male or female could be stuck in.

You know what is like, you have that one particular homeboy/home girl that ur with all the time, you also have a cool friendship relationship with them. Then BAM..one day u suddenly take one look too long at them and your caught in this world wind of confusion and suppressed emotion. We could only hope that it stops there until they come to you about people they are interested in, and you have to force that smile and still give that advice while ur heart slowly sinks into your stomach. Not to mention the wondering if it could possibly be mutual and if they are thinking the same things your thinking when you look one another in the eye. Eventually, you get to the point where it starts to bother you and frustrate you because who knows them better than you? Who gets them like you do? Who knows the REAL them the way you do? Who knows their pet peeves and preferences like you?

. . . who else would be any more perfect for them than you?. . .

Eh. Idk. Just sayin.

As for me, all I know is that I know nothing..

I have this thing about me where I will daydream about something, and eventually it will come to happen for me. Am I trying to claim psychic abilities? Nah, Not at all. If anything its a coincidence or maybe my life is simply going as planned. Regardless, I don't think this was something I was supposed to notice was taking place. Why? Because once I was aware of it it, i'd try to "daydream" about things I really wanted to happen to see if it'll really come around. Does it? Of course not. It just reinforced the fact that in life you know nothing. All we can do is have hope, and faith and goals that we work to achieve. That's about as much say as any of us get.

...But if I could just know this one thing...

 Hours after I wrote this I came across my horoscope which said the following:
Using your imagination to consciously conjure up a fortuitous future for yourself can have a positive influence on current events as long as you don't lose track of reality. Your dreams must be grounded in the truth or they won't be able to come true. Planting practical seeds now can be productive, but putting your faith in a fantasy will only lead to disappointment

The Wise Speak Because They Have Something To Say..

I stopped the whole blogging thing awhile back.

More important things came up, got tired of typing, and I was just too busy actually living rather than writing about it. Recently, I remembered why I was doing it in the first place and decided to return to it. Possibly even  as a light venting process. Not to mention every once and awhile I have something to say [and that doesn't always mean someone physically needs to be in front of me to receive it] as long as its out there to be heard eventually. With that being said. . .