We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all

That's one fear I can't say that I own.

Most women (and men..especially men) shut down after they have been hurt.

People get their little heart screwed over a time or two and are so resistant to anything that comes toward them.

I'm not afraid to get my heart broken. Before, Like any human I was fearful of the idea because I never experienced it. I was scared of pain, I heard the horror stories, saw my friends deal with broken hearts and the tears and pain they experienced and just knew that if it was to happen to me I'd throw in the towel.

I didn't. 

My heart was basically tossed into a garbage disposal and all that did was make me fearless with my emotions. I don't believe anyone could hurt me to that capacity again for one, and if they do, I know that I can and will mos def GET OVER IT. I cried, and was sad and whatever else comes with being hurt but time didn't stop for me, and it won't stop for you. If anything it will make things easier.

Its been nearly 2 years, I'm as good as new, with no reservations or fears that the next will be a reincarnation of my ex. Stop making excuses, life is entirely too short for that. People always choose to be afraid of the one person who'd never hurt them anyway. Defeats the whole purpose and starts a terrible cycle of bitter and terrified individuals. I wish the rest of the world would view negative situations as a speed bump and not a compete road block. Don't give up on being happy, your only hurting yourself by trying to "protect" your heart. think about it. 

Not to expose your true feelings to an adult seems to be instinctive from the age of seven or eight onwards

I really prefer to not discuss feelings. Not prematurely at least.

I strongly believe that since "feelings" are something we FEEL,  we should display it through our actions.  that way the other person can FEEL it as well. I could easily tell you I "feel" anything, but if my actions don't match my words, it's too simple to say I have "deceived" you. I'm not one for deception.

Now, there is a time of course where you do have that simple talk to analyze your feelings with someone just to ensure your on the same page. It is somewhat mandatory depending on what your situation may be. I just don't care to discuss it too soon, or too often. Mainly, because half the time I don't believe we as people know exactly what we feel && trying to put emotion into words may be one of the most complex things the human mind can attempt to accomplish. Not to mention if your conveying of it falls too short or too heavy of what it really is, OR if the other person interprets it differently.  Individuals appear to be afraid to be on a different level emotionally than the person they are involved with. It's almost as if it suddenly becomes a power struggle. && you are no longer on the same team trying to enjoy each other. Your main focus is now to get someone to feel a certain way (more or less) for you. It's a downhill spiral from there.

Just think it doesn't need to be discussed unless it REALLY needs to be discussed.

& when it does, you better be damn accurate.

Idk maybe this is one of those things you have to understand to understand.

I am a true alternative. And I love being the outcast. That's my role in life, to be an outcast

I'm an emotional outcast.

The way my emotions function are completely different from most females. I've always been this way and sometimes it's difficult, because I wish I had someone who I could relate to. Women are known as these emotional beings, who wear their heart on their sleeves, and do all this stereotypical ish in display of their feelings.

I don't fit that description.

I wasn't raised to where crying is acceptable. It didn't get anything accomplished. If something upset my father he G'd that ish up and handled it. Therefore, if something upsets me, I G it up and I handle it. It's all I know. I rarely cry. I don't really cry at all honestly. Especially now that I'm older.

I'm an emotional outcast.

When it comes to guys, I don't get super clingy attached and affected by everything he does. In fact, it takes a lot for me to really catch feelings for someone. I don't believe in tossing the word "like" around easily either. I don't crush a lot. I don't feel the need to always have a male in my life. When I do he's pretty free, if he says he's gonna call and he doesn't. I don't get upset. If something petty happens it's usually overlooked because it's not a big deal for me to be salty over. If I don't have a guy in my life, I'm not bitter. I'm not jealous of my friends who do either. I actually never really get lonely.

I'm an emotional outcast.

I wish I had other female friends who were like this. Sometimes I feel as though maybe somethings wrong with me. lol. No but seriously. I wonder if I'm the one thats broken because I'm not really that emotional and sensitive? Don't get me wrong, when I do develop feelings for someone they are legit and cute and wtfever the situation may be. I'm just not the way other girls are. That usual "girlie" type reaction to their emotions. It makes it hard for me in my friendships because they don't really fully understand how certain things that would CLEARLY upset them, doesn't bother me at all. It also leaves me not having anyone to talk to sometimes because they don't quite understand. && often with them, I don't understand.

I'm an emotional outcast.

Although, this does have it's "lone star" side to it. I find it also very beneficial. I'm rare. A lot of guys seem to gravitate to me, and really appreciate that I am the way that I am, they consider it a breath of fresh air after dealing with over-emotional women. This isn't always on a "tryna pursue me" type of level. At times they just want to talk and vent and make sure that as a guy they aren't the one that's in the wrong. I guess it makes me easier to talk to and be around? I'm not sure. I enjoy being alternative.

eh..

I'm an emotional outcast..& maybe thats my role.

I don't believe in depriving myself of any food or being imprisoned by a diet.

I'm a little person.

Not as in a short little person.

I'm a slender lady. 

I'd take any term besides skinny / bony or frail. 

And with me being small, (genetically) I enjoy to eat. I eat a lot. I think about food a lot, and I love to cook.

but I HATE, despise & loathe..anything fat free, sugar free, reduced fat, 1% fat, 2% fat etc.

This past month I've been staying with my Grandparents until it's time for me to go home and the house is FULL of that stuff. Which is understandable, they are older people &  have to watch their sugars and fats. So when I finally got the opportunity to go food shopping for MYSELF. I only return home to discover that I have accidentally purchased Reduced fat oreos, light ice cream, & sugar free pudding.

WTF. WHY DOES THAT EVEN EXIST?!

WHY? 

I know it may appear as though I'm over reacting and that it's not that serious, but it is. I've never quite understood the whole "making fatty foods easier thing". I'm not saying this because I'm small and I don't understand "Bigger Struggles" I'm saying it because it's just pointless. If someone is looking to keep their fats and sugars down they shouldn't eat fatty sugary food. The End. && If they do, then go hard with that shxt. eff it. I feel if you are a person who is trying to monitor your weight and you eat healthy regularly, workout frequently...you should be able to enjoy some regular damn ice cream && it won't kill you. Everyone knows this. Especially since I'm going into the field of medicine I'm aware that a cupcake won't kill you if you are serious about eating correctly in your daily routine.  NOW. when your trying to go the other way and say "your on a diet" but you just fill up your fridge with the same stuff I do..but justify it because it has "reduced fat, low sugar etc. etc" your cheating. && your pissing me off. I don't care how others balance their diets.

But I'm not on one. When I go buy ice cream, I shouldn't have to check to make sure it's regular. That shouldn't be a rare thing to find for me. 

Does this post make me an insensitive "Skinny Bitch"?

Maybe.

Do I give a fuxk?..nah not at all.

Is there anyone so wise as to learn by the experience of others?

Lately, (as usual) a few of my friends have called me with their problems that they have either wanted to vent about or were seeking advice for. *deep sigh* I don't like becoming too involved in my friends situations because when they seek advice and I give it, they don't listen anyway..and it comes back to bite them in the ass. It takes a lot to not say "I told you so". I don't speak out of my ass. I don't just randomly provide advice for situations I haven't been through. Some things in life really are black & white. It takes for you to watch plenty of other people go through the same routine to understand that over & over that particular situation has & will always end the SAME WAY. When I was younger I realized that if i can be wise enough to learn from the mistakes of those around me, I'd probably save myself a lot of time, tears and money. lol. Others don't think that way. Yes, experience is the best teacher, but don't put yourself through bullshit if you don't have to. ESPECIALLY when you know when those around you are advising you correctly but you prefer to be hardheaded. In defense of those who do choose to go that route I have to say...I was allowed to make my own stupid mistakes, you should be granted that same opportunity. Naturally, I'm protective of those that I love, I don't want anyone to hurt them...but I can't give them the strength I developed from experience either. They must obtain their own...

Rational beliefs bring us closer to getting good results in the real world.

I've come to realize, I'm too rational to follow my heart.

I make sense of things. I play them out in my head before I execute plans and ideas.

I remain a step ahead of everything, and with that being said.

I play my head against my heart. Simply because listening to your heart will leave you looking stupid sometimes.

I personally believe I can't go wrong if I give my brain a 65% advantage over my emotions until I'm in a situation of safety.

Then of course you have your friends telling you "noo just let go, let it blow through"

no. Thats stupid. Cause If I do it your way..my mind knows what will happen. which may be failure.

If I do it my way I play it smart and everyones happy.

Sorry, but I trust my common sense in a world full of people who seem to lack it or ignore it.

Does that make me uptight?

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace

..TRUEST crap in the world!

You feel much more at peace when you believe situations are REALLY going to be handled and taken care of.

You read about this stuff in books and see it in movies where souls can't continue on, or cross over because they aren't at peace with something that once was in their life.

I walked around with a slight [little itty bitty-yet- fairly larger that id like to admit] block of resentment from a previous situation that just could never sit right with me because I felt they got off too easy, or because I knew whatever it was just wasn't right.

&& as a woman, I must say our instincts are BEAST.

There were people that I was turned against, and where turned against me that caused tension when there should have been any at all.

&& now that people finally see what we saw, and what we REALLY knew. & its exposed..

suddenly . . .I feel at peace.

Dulcius ex Asperis. . .

Is Latin for "Through difficulty, more sweet" it's what I'm putting on my "abstinence" ring. I put abstinence in quotes because it's not really a word I would use to describe what the ring is exactly. Not to mention, words like abstinence and celibacy are so formal and uptight sounding to me. I was searching for something to put on the ring and when I saw that it was perfect for me. I don't want of those "true love waits" blah blah kinda rings cause that's not what my ring and decision is really about. It's more so about deserving things, and putting yourself in situations where responsibility and partnership come into play. I believe if your willing to go through the difficulty of working against biology, and putting up with me on a serious level then through difficulty you may experience something more sweet. People often allow sex to confuse their situations and its difficult to see if someone is able to stick around through long haul, teaches you other ways to show your emotions so on and so forth. It also means when the ring comes off, if ever a difficult situation was to arise, together we would be able to handle it. That's just me. So until further notice... Dulcius ex Asperis.

Wishes sometimes seem to come true, don't they. . . "/

11:11, Wishing Wells, Shooting stars, Wishbones etc.

I used to do all of that growing up and I still do every now & again for the shits and giggles

and a secretly a small part of me does hope that what I wish for will come true...

I guess stuff like that just doesn't happen to girls like me..

 There is this misconception that I get everything I want...i don't.

I just have to play things off and make them seem minor when I fail.

but inside..it hurts & i'm crushed...but I could never let it show.

The things I secretly wish for when 11:11 strikes..never wish me for me back.Maybe I'm not doing it right? Maybe I don't aim my dime properly when i toss it into the fountain? Maybe I'm supposed to start my wish once the shooting star is completely gone?  I tried to believe in wishes and fairytales and magic again. . .
not for girls like me.

If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at al

I know what I want to say regarding this, but I have no words because I feel nothing right now.

At a young age I taught myself how to stop feeling, I just learned to ask myself "why r u even trippin over this?"

&& yeah sometimes it takes a few days to kick in maybe a day or two and BAM. I'm numb.

Is it still there? Of course. . . but pride is like pain medication,

The pain is still there, but your nerves are numb so you can't feel it.

Then by time it wares off it really doesn't hurt anymore because you allowed it to run its course while your medication was in your system.

Is that a way to handle things? eh probably not. Is it easier? Yep.

Is it a weakness. Maybe, maybe not.

Do I give a fuxk.

no. not at all.

The person waiting for the right time to start never gets anywhere...

I've been searching for the right time to convey this,

because clearly I can't just not say anything like I'd like to because the [ I'd never know..]

How will I know when the right time is?

What if I wait too long in search of the right time? Will I even know what the right time will feel like?

Searching for the right time is just another way for me to stall.

Searching for the right time is what my pride is telling me to do because it doesn't want to be compromised.

So if I don't create the right time...time'll just waste and I will remain in place.

Simply having children does not make mothers...

I'm kinda screwed in the mother department.

Always have been really, 2 moms and they are both kinda shitty.

Ones tryna get it together but it's hard to make up for years of shitty mommyness :/

I've always felt a missing place in my life as far as mothers go, I've never had anyone to do the things that Moms do with their daughters. I'm actually still kind of unsure of what that is exactly. I may never understand but I know that when I see my friends conduct these long convos with their Moms on the phone I become a tad envious. I'm curious as to what that is like. I want to know how it feels to go to brunch & get my toes done with my Mom.

Ive noticed that I fall in love with some of my friends mothers because they are so great in my eyes. They do things that I've never experienced but have always longed for. It's like "wow..your just like the moms on TV!" Most people don't understand me when it comes to this topic because having the mom around is pretty typical for most situations especially in black communities.

I get told all the time "well you have ur daddy, most people don't have their daddy"

Your right, and just how they have an empty space, I do too. Respect my empty space.

I refuse to let this space remain empty though. Even if it means I have to have 20 of my own children to make up for what I missed in a mother.

To be honest, I've always figured my last chance at a good "mother figure" would be in my husbands Mom.

So I pray that whoever she is, she likes me, and accepts me as her own. :)

Thats one of my life wishes.

Humankind can't bare too much reality. . .

For a superior species we are scary as hell!

We are scared of everything!

We are scared of taking chances, we are afraid to miss something, we are hesitant with life because we are constantly afraid of what we THINK we can not handle.

It's horrible.

I'm in a situation now that could be settled and probably out the way if I wasn't afraid of the "what ifs.." and what I could miss if something didn't go my way...I'm afraid of what could happen if i got the results I was looking for.

We are so fearful. Two of my friends are situations where the fear of missing something / the fear of losing something is taking control of their happiness [ and their sanity on some days ]

I wish I could find a cure for this but it's a shame we don't exude our full potential and take chances the way we should simply because we are struggling to control some aspect of our reality.

Always forgive your enemies..nothing annoys them so much

I feel that simply because I don't care for you or I choose to not fxk with you..doesn't make you my enemy

Don't assume I'm some place slandering your name, or that I have it out for you.

I don't, I promise.

I just simply don't fuxk with you, your not apart of my life or daily regement.

No, we don't even have to be cordial when we see one another.

How about we act as if we have NEVER seen each other before and call it a night?

You stay out of my way, and thats the way all of this should go :)

Don't send me your weak ass apology messages or whatever it is people do.

Not cause I don't want to hear from you but because I don't give a damn and I don't wanna hear you bitch.

Just being real, but we aren't enemies :)

Just don't fuxk wit chu..

Men cheat for the same reason a dog licks its balls..because they can.

Apparently, cheating has been the topic of discussion lately.

Which is kinda odd since its bundle & boo time but I guess things change.

Cheating is actually and extremely taboo subject in some ways.

Nobody wants to really admit their wrong, everyone wants to make justifications for their actions instead.

Hell I've been "cheated" on / had to share / and a bunch of wtf ever else was goin on.

In my situation if he we woulda just been real from the start where he wouldn't have to put himself, me or her in that situation..it woulda hurt but I would have gotten over it.

PAIN IS TEMPORARY

But Nahhhh that didn't happen.

If he would have just said "I fucked up" and left it at that.

It would have hurt, but I would have gotten over it.

PAIN IS TEMPORARY

But nope, cheaters don't do that. They want to lie to cover their ass. When they think one girl/guy is a loss for sure, they then try to throw him/her under the bus to make the "more willing to stay" girl/guy feel more comfortable and to try to justify their actions. They "attempt" to confess but only tell the prelude to the actual story..they just allow it to get messy when it doesn't have to be. [which goes back to my previous post about honesty] If you cheat. Just say "I fucked up, you stayin? you dippin? or do i need to prove myself?"

Because once you've been caught cheating I'm sure thats a pretty shitty situation for yourself and I don't even think it's fair to you as the cheater to have to perform circus tricks for their ass for another 5 months to "prove yourself" thats just draining. He/She knows if you are gonna take you back the following day. So don't waste time.

 This is the stuff that keeps the ecosystem on track though. You need a jackass or two to know when you see something good. :)

I don't lose my temper very often now, and if I do, it's well deserved. . .

I hate having to show my temper.

That means don't try me. This post is inspired by someone who hasn't learned to know better just yet.

Today someone seemed to make the terrible mistake of thinking they could speak to me as if I was their child. I simply had to correct that to ensure that we don't suffer from that misunderstanding again. Did I want to go off on them in front of whomever he decided to try me in front of? NO never of course not but if you feel you can start a sentence off with me that consist of the following "DON'T YOU EVER..!." yeah thats a sign up for a pop off. I don't even think he finished his sentence before I got started. :/ I try really hard to suppress my temper because it's in my blood, and I never wanna be the one that has to put people in their place but when I do , its cause you clearly lost your mind && I simply want to help you find it. He was wrong, he knew he was wrong and you don't approach me that way, ever. My own PARENTS don't speak to me that way..you must have life confused with bullshit.

Long story short: Don't let the size fool you. Don't let my gender fool you. Don't let my sweet, kind, happy go lucky personality fool you either. Everyone has their edge. So don't push me.

There's a lot of bitch in every woman - a lot in every man.

Before I start let me make this clear, I'm not sayin I want a dude who bangs or thats a drug dealer or thats always tryna fight and is always in trouble. I'm just sayin I don't want a ni*ga with too much bitch in him.

I guess I should tell you a story before I get into this so you can see where I'm coming from. Once upon a short lil time ago, I was talking to a guy and I really liked him, we were cool as it gets, we clicked well so on and so forth but slowly  I started to notice he had some bitch in him. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a man with some sensitivity and gayness for you [but unfortunately, that's not the kinda bitch I'm tlking about]. I'm talking about bitch as in : he was a low key punk.  Yeah, that's not gonna work. It would seep out in certain situations and every time I was like no no no hell no absolutely NOT.I'ma be real. I need a guy who isn't scary. That isn't too much to ask, I need a dude who has a little bite to him. Why? Cause I have a little bite in me. No I don't exude it all the time it's not necessary, but it's there. It's just what was left over from where I was raised, where my parents and the remainder of my family was brought up & my experiences. Women like to feel safe when they are with their man. Period. Its actually part of the reason we like being up under them, because we feel safe. If I feel like if something goes down you gonna run and leave me by myself...your not gonna work. If I feel like you wouldn't defend me if it ever came down to it...your not gonna work.

&& Once again, I don't like dudes who are always into trouble, thats not my aim..but there isn't nothing wrong with the diamond in the rough boy. The dude who may know wassup without being a complete  product of his environment. You can be educated and polite, respectable but know how to handle yourself if it ever came time...thas all I'm sayin.

...have a little bite. If you got it you got it..if you don't then idk..get a white girl?

Guys are simple, women are not simple & they assume men are as complicated as they are..

.Recently I've been spending a lot of time with my brothers. I needed that time with them because I love my girls I do but I'm not used to the super-emotional-always-upset-wining-over-some-dude type stuff. Maybe, my girls back home are more like me than they realize but we have fun together without a guy being a main focus or without being in our feelings.

Here its a tad different and thats okay.

Around this time everyone has been doing their own thing, working, boo'd up, etc. I've just been with the boys, chillin, playing video games, going to games, talking all of that. Now, I refer to them as my breath of fresh air because its the time I can chill and have fun and nobody is in their feelings, there are no outburts, nobody is bitching..and its even better cause non of the guys are tryna get at me!! Its all family (even tho I want one of them but thats a different post). Nothing beats that to clear my mind. Not to mention, I've never been the girliest of girls. My sister isn't either.

Lets not get it confused tho, I still wear heels, get my hair & nails done, get dressed up and have my girlie moments because I am in fact a woman.I just never been into a lot of the stuff "super girlie girls" are into.

For example when it comes to dogs, I don't like those cutesie little bag dogs or poodles that mess is stupid to me. I like Pits, boxers, Rotwhilers and things of that nature.When it comes to cars I don't like bugs, bmw's and that kinda ish I like Mustangs, Aston Martins, Vipers etc. When it comes to music most women like the obvious rappers like wayne, jayz..and whatever it is guys like because they figure it gets them points. [trust i know this i see it every day] I don't..they are cool and all but I'm an Eminem & Eazy-E fan (i liked Eazy as a kid shh lol),  The list goes on..  lol idk I guess I'm different? *sigh

Sometimes I kinda feel like blah about that [i wouldn't change it] but it almost seems as if guys are into those SUPER girlie girls..and I'm not one of those. I'm feminine but I appear to have more tomboy like preferences my brother says. eh..IDK.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. . .

Just tell the truth, like seriously.

Because lying, being CAUGHT in your lie and then continuing to lie is not only retarded but makes everyone else  angry. Especially since eventually you will have to be honest to get you out of your situation or to make the interrogation end. Therefore, the longer you prolong the fib, you not only look like a liar, you look like a pathetic full of shit liar with bad judgement [on top of whatever else you may have done to sabotage ur image at that point]. Who wants that on their resume?

All jokes aside, we are human, we lie, we do.

Small lies, hell they happen, but learn from your mistakes.

I understand the "thats my story and I'm sticking to it" method.

I was taught that too, I know it well, but when your busted bruh your busted.

Its better to just end the situation by saving your grace the best you can by being honest.

I understand that usually people continue with the lie to cover their ass or because they are afraid of how the person may be affected afterward. In reality, you need to think about that ahead of time.

Especially men: guys are known to not think about the consequences of situations when they make some of the choices they make. That's okay, but that means guys don't have room for stupid shit so make wise choices just in case. I could go on with this forever but I don't have time for that, I just needed to touch bases to get that off this chest of mine honestly.

However rare "True Love" may be, it is less so than true friendship...

I've never had a problem making friends in my life.

Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm a damn delightful friend.

That's due in part to the fact that I'm simply a reflection of the blessings they bring to me.

I have more than one Best Friend, yes this is true.

4 to be exact if we want to go into detail.

One we've been Best Friends for 15 years.

Another 9.

Another 5.

&& the last is going on 2 years.

To the average person that is a blessing. It is. Some people can barely get 1 good best friend.

While I'm being the lucky chick with four.

These are the four women who will without a doubt be there when I get married.

They will all probably be a god mother to one of my 6 children.

Might even have some named after them [maybe a middle name or smthin]

These are the 4 women who I know have me no matter what.

&& I thank them, because they are the ones who complete me and understand me.

They have stood next to me for every tear, heartbreak, crush, family battle, surgery, cold, flu, cramps,laugh, accomplishment, fail, raise & fall etc.

These four women have all fed me a time or two maybe three.

These four women have been accepted by my family, welcomed into my home.

and loved by me unconditionally.

Yeah friends may come && go . . .but these four are stuck.

yeah I said it.

STUCK lmao.

ily guys!